Life played a trick on me, and it swept me off my feet… I am ready to stand up and pick up everything but I can’t seem to figure out my way.

I am lost.

I know I can easily look back and retrace my steps but am I scared that there’s none left there for me. My instincts tell me that they’re just there but I can’t seem to see any.

Life if full of interruptions and complications.

In my adversity, I find solace and comfort in the fact that if you are on your lowest, there’s no other way but UP.

I was awakened by small kisses on my left shoulder blade and little murmurs, that’s when I noticed that there’s an arm wrapped around my waist. I shifted sides and there he was, half awake and half asleep, smiling occasionally. I stared at the beautiful face in front of me. It couldn’t get any better than this. He kissed me and uttered “good morning sweet prince”. He’d always call me that, even back when we were starting 6 years ago.

I wanted to stay there forever and probably freeze the time. It’s going to be a wonderful day for me. We cuddle some more for a couple of minutes before I finally get ready for work.

We both got up from bed; I headed for the shower, while he went straight outside our room to the kitchen. I did my usual morning rituals, shower, shave, brush my teeth, I was almost done with my tie when the door swung open to tell me that breakfast is ready.

We happily ate breakfast together, scrambled and sunny side up eggs, hotdogs, fried rice and toasted bread, I made coffee of course.

I kissed him goodbye, and I said I’ll be home around 7pm. Right before I shut the front door, he said he’ll be coming home a bit later because of an early evening meeting with a supplier, and asked me to cook dinner. I said sure.

I arrived at the office, doing the same thing, reports and analysis. Right before lunch time I received a text message saying “please drop by the grocery and get us toiletries, there’s no more in the cabinets, buy chips as well! Love you sweetheart!”

I finished everything in the office, and by 6pm I was heading the grocery. I got all the things we need and head home.

I just finished shower, when he arrived home. We ate dinner, chat about what happened to our days and usual TV before sleeping…

The following morning, it was me again, and only me… it was a dream! A dream of how I pictured my self and my partner will be… just happy being ourselves, being together. Why is it so hard for us to find this true happiness of having someone? Someone you can call the better half of you, someone whom you can count on with everything and anything there is.

Someday I will see this dream happening in front of my eyes, and I will just tell my self, déjà vu.

In reality, no one can really say they’re a simple person. In one way or another there would always be one complex thing in each and every one of us. And besides who ever said being gay is simple?!? Hehe, it’s not simple, never going to be… because being gay is being FABULOUS!!! Hehe

I guess the one thing I can say good about me is that I never regret anything that happened in my life. No matter how difficult, or ugly, or frustrating, or heartbreaking the situation gets, I never regret anything.

Life has given me a lot of experiences already, that’s maybe the reason why I think maturely… but no matter what life teaches me, I remain true to my age if in regard with feelings, fragile and young.

Recent events in my life have been overwhelming, not that I’m complaining, I guess it’s a case of “TOO MUCH, TOO SOON”.

I have gained friends who treat one another as family, and I know that nothing can change that anymore, they will always be there for me, just the same for me to them… but like what everyone knows, you sometimes cannot have everything, there has to be balance somewhere.

“Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend.” Is it true that lovers cannot be friends? I honestly don’t know… same as I don’t know if they really can. “You had been the one; you had been the one for me.” It’s the dreams you took away, because it may be over, but I know it doesn’t stop there.

I am hurting, and I know I will still hurt tomorrow, and the day after that, for how long it will take, I cannot really say… but I know, deep down me, I can honestly say that I do not regret anything, things happen for a reason, if I will learn anything from it, only time can tell. But for whatever it is worth, am very thankful for the experience, and the journey has been worthwhile.

“Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. You had been the one; you had been the one for me”

Someone told me that “life has to be experienced and not idealized.” I will keep that in mind.

I was scanning old blogs from my old files and I found this one...

in this society that we have, we, in most cases than not, always conforms with the norms... sometimes the right that is being dictated by the society no longer is parallel to what is in webster's... we try as hard as we can to conform with these norms so we can be named righteous, to the point of being hypocritical.

most of us gays, again im not saying all, but most us thinks we are individualist, that we are different from the rest, the sad truth is, we all conforms to what is being didctated as the right thing to do... and that makes us all the same... we may have different expressions, or the way we speak, but looking at the big picture we all follow the same set of rules...

another example of conforming with the norms, the term BISEXUALS and GAYS. who really is bisexual and who really is gay?? most of us preffers to be named as bisexual, why? because its more nice to be called as such, because bisexuals are diferrent from being gay? because bisexuals are more accepted than gays?i dont really think so! I myself once wanted to be called bisexual rather than being called as gay... but at one point it made me think, what's really the difference...

some guys wanted to be called bisexuals, but if you would take a closer look, they are so desperately looking for hook ups in Bi-manila or guys4men... which i doubt if they would ever find someone from the opposite sex! guys who would always choose to log-in a gay infested chatroom rather than logging in a straight crowd. if they are so horny and if they really are who they say they are, then a girl or a guy wouldn't make any difference, because at the end of the day, it all comes down to one point, having to share the same bed... come friday or saturday night, you will see them strutting thier stuffs in the likes of Bed or Government, again another club for gay people...

I have encountered someone from the chatroom, he said he's bisexual and has a girlfriend but is desperately looking for a hook-up in Bi-Manila?!? if you really are what you are and if you really have a girlfriend... why would you still look for a guy whom can satisfy your lust... if your girl doesnt satisfy you in bed anymore and you are in dire need of someone from the same sex, then maybe its time to rethink your prefference and start accepting the fact that you are "GAY"!!!

i dont think we can ever escape from conforming with the norms that this society has dictated us, well atleast not in the near future, but somehow knowing what you want, doing what you want, and not what others want for you makes the difference...

It's good to know what other people can say about you... be it good or not, you just have to take it constructively... somehow for me knowing what other people can say about me keeps me grounded... it keeps me on my feet.

It's also helps me to feel good when I feel down, it becomes a morale booster for me... It's a reminder that I am human and am capable of a lot of things... and that I have been good!

every time I came across this, it gives me a warm feeling, it's like saying everythings gonna be fine...

"I haven't been grateful to life lately, it isn't because of what i have or what i could have, it is because of the people who sorrounds my path. It has been a not so well journey for me... Being who i am now is not even a done deal yet. Life has been so full of instances, experiences and chances... chances that lead me to meet one person whom have shown how my path can be sorrounded with flowers and good things. He is my shoulder when i need a tap, he is my back when i need to turn around and see my past, he is my teardrop when i want to cry, he is my hand when i need a hold, he is my arms when i need a hug and he is my life when i need to live again. He faces me when the world turns its back away from me, he turns me into an angel when the devil in me sprungs... It is with just one look that make him say that... everything is gonna be fine, just fine. It has been heaven and earth being with this person... and i know it'll be forever. Thank you... I have met you."

to you who made this... thank you as well, I have learned a lot from you... and I promise to continue learning... we don't talk or see each other anymore but i know you're very happy and contented... am grateful for everything!

I never thought I’d miss you this much so soon… it’s easier said than done, that it’s just 4 Pink Saturdays in Government, or 4 Yummy Fridays… it’s just 1 month, just 1 month… 4 hours had past and I’m missing you terribly…

Maybe it’s the thought that when I got home, you’ll not be there anymore… maybe it’s because you’ll not be there to give me a hug… or maybe because I will not hear the question “pang ilang yosi mo na yan?” hehehe! or “how was your day? Tired?” maybe because I will not hear these questions for the next 30 days…

I wanted to tell you a lot of things earlier but I couldn’t find the words… maybe I was thinking that my hug would communicate all that I wanted to say… I was hoping that my touch somehow showed you how much you will be missed…

I miss you so much, and I will be missing you just as much for the next 29 days…

I always say “love comes to those who believe it”.

They say that change is good for you, that it keeps you on your toes. Well, if that's true, I should be a fucking ballerina by now. I know I have written before that am not really fond of change, but recent developments in my simple and sturdy life made me accept a lot of changes… changes in the way I think, the way I act, and changes even in my beliefs.

I’ve had my share of relationships, and I could possibly say “been there, done that”. In my previous relationships, if I see something wrong, I complain, now I try to weigh things and try to understand. Before, one mistake leads to a fight, now I try to calm down and relax. I have learned that you don’t need to fight before a petty thing can be resolved. I used to think that am older than my age, but now, I believe that I am, that I’m mature… and I’m proud of that.

For the past weeks, things turned out unexpectedly, not that I’m complaining , in fact am quite happy with what happen, but like what I’vie written in my previous blog, you only have control to anything that is you, beyond that, you can’t do anything about it.

“There are millions of people in this world. But in the end, it all comes down to one”. It’s not a matter of finding that one particular person but making a particular person the one for you.

3 weeks ago, I was telling my friend, I don’t want to have a relationship just yet, no dating even, probably for the next 6 months or even a year. But something happened…

“You can be anywhere where when your life begins. You meet one person and anything is possible.”